the final problem

Hey beautiful people
My name is David and I live in germany.
I'm 16 and obsessed with Music and more important:
Marilyn Manson.
He's my idol and I admire him so much for what he has done in his life and how he got out of his suicidal "high end of low"-time, because I know how hard it is to escape from depression. He is my inspiration, my motivation and his art gives me so much power.
I don't know how to tell it, but his music means so much to me and it helped me many times to stay strong and believe in myself. Especially "coma white", "speed of pain" , "If I was your Vampire" , "Devour", "Great big white world" , "(s)Aint" and the whole "Born Villain"-Album. Last year I started to get more into drawing and I look forward to share some of my results with you and I hope you'll like it. My pictures are kinda weird but you will see. I will post as much as I can find about MM but also other stuff like BMTH , Suicide Silence, Johnny Depp, Tim Burton etc. If you're interested in this, then follow me. You can ask me questions about everything. I'm happy that my girlfriend likes MM too and we went together to one of the twins of evil concerts :)
Like my paintings, I'm kinda weird too.
That's because I draw them. Whatever.
I want to be an artist someday. My dream is to be part of something special. To draw, sing in a band, write stories and enjoy my life, doing things that give me the feeling that I'm not useless. That this life, this world is not useless. That there is any sense at all. Because often I don't see any reason why I'm still here, and why I'm here at all. And when I see a reason, then I'm afraid of dying and the only thing I can see in my future, and the only thing I can see in the future of everything, is death. This thoughts can be the most paralyzing thoughts but if you face death, you're able to create things you couldn't imagine when you're stuck in this everyday is exactly the same circle. You have to get out of this circle. Don't wait for something special, 'cause maybe it'll never happen and you have wasted your life.
Make the difference.
You can be special and maybe your message will be heard. That's what I learned from Manson. I don't know, maybe you think I'm completely wrong and I'm just talking bullshit, but this is my opinion. And at least I got one. Why I'm writing all this, I don't even know.
Probably it's because the things I told you above. Maybe this is my way to try to get attention and make a difference. Make sense.
Even if there is no more hope and I can't find anything motivating, there is one sentence that can make me smile:
No reason.